There are many marriages in our community, even in our
Christian community, that are wrought with emotional and mental abuse. Physical
abuse can, manytimes, be seen in bruises or scars. But mental/emotional abuse
can be hidden so well that the signs are much harder to discern.
I am sharing this list of 7 key things to understand about
mental/emotional abuse because in my short time of counseling in Spartanburg, SC, I
am seeing an increase in emotional abuse cases. Look over this list this. If you even think you are
in a relationship or marriage and are experiencing these things, then please
get help. Go to a trusted friend and share, call a counselor and begin to
uncover the pain, pray and ask God to help you find the resources to begin
dealing with the effects and consequences of emotional/mental abuse.
1. You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Sticks
and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” It sounds
almost true but it is not completely true. Sticks and stones can hurt and break bones and words won’t
leave any measurable physical damage, but words have the incredible power to
cause progressive, long-term harm. Never underestimate the power of words. It
is this power that words carry that make our communication in marriage and
family of special importance.
Being told you are “stupid,” “ugly,” or “worthless” is never acceptable. The first time you
hear it, it hurts, naturally. In time you “may
get used to” hearing it from a partner. That’s when you start to
internalize and believe it. When that happens you are doing the other person’s
work of putting yourself down for them. This is why your feelings of self-worth
suffer increasingly over time. Abusive words may sound like anger from the
offender but it is important to note that when used consistently over and over,
anger turns into harm. It is never acceptable to be put down consistently by a
parent, spouse, partner, or friend.
2. You are always
told that it’s your fault. Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts,
the ultimate blame is always yours. Notice that we are talking ultimate blame
here. The blaming partner will always tell you that their behavior was caused by
what you said or did and the blaming partner somehow never seems to take
responsibility for their actions or behaviors. In fact, their argument runs
along the lines that you can’t possibly blame them for anything, because if you
hadn’t said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.
This kind of behavior is very indicative of an emotional abuser.
3. The more you are
abused, the more inclined you are to believe your abusive partner than you are
to believe yourself. Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and
injustice, or seethed with anger at the way you’ve been treated? Have you found
yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel like this?” “Am I misinterpreting
things?” “Have I got it wrong?”
If this is you, what it means is that you have become so
brainwashed you’ve stopped trusting in your own judgment. Your mind keeps
throwing up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that
what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you can’t feel the strength
of your own convictions. This is a classic symptom of being abused. You may be
able to recognize the abuse but don’t seem to be able to do anything about it.
4. You are so
frustrated that you cannot seem to get your partner to acknowledge your
feelings. Maybe you have tried to communicate how you feel to them but it
always gets deflected back to you. Have you ever felt desperate to make your
partner hear what you are saying and apologize for the hurtful things they’ve
said? Have you ever felt that only they can heal the pain they’ve caused?
When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen to
your feelings, that is, unquestionably, a sign of mental abuse. After a while
you give up trying to “be heard” and stuff the feelings of hurt deep inside the
self. Repressed feelings of rejection and pain turn into self destructive
behaviors, risk taking, and a hardened heart. You need to be heard, to be
listened to, to be affirmed in your struggle and pain.
5. Your partner blows
hot and cold. She can be very loving but is often highly critical of you.
She may tell you how much she loves you, yet she is short on care or
consideration towards you. In fact, some of the time, maybe even a lot of the
time, she treats you as if you were someone she truly dislikes.
You do everything you can to make him happy, but it’s never
good enough. You’re more like the pet dog in the relationship than you are the
equal partner. Your constant efforts to get his attention and please him meet
with limited success. Sometimes he’ll be charmed, often he’s dismissive.
If you find yourself puzzled about how your partner can
treat you that way, it is because you are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality
you are living in a control-based
relationship. The mental abuser struggles with his/her own feelings of
worthlessness and uses the relationship to create a feeling of personal power,
at his/her partner’s expense.
6. You feel as if you
are constantly walking on eggshells. There is a real degree of fear in the
relationship. You have come to dread his outbursts, the hurtful things that he
will find to say to you.
Fear is not part of a loving relationship, but it is a vital
part of a mentally abusive relationship. It enables the abuser to maintain
control over you. This feeling of walking on eggshells is almost a “damned if
you do and damned if you don’t” feeling. As soft and caring and sensitive as
you may try to communicate your feelings, the “eggshells” still break and
crackle under your feet, meaning that no matter how much everyone in the family
tries to be understanding and careful of what he/she says, the abuser continues
to rant, rage, outburst, and cut down. No amount of what you do or don’t do
seems to help the situation.
7. You can heal. Mentally
abusive relationships cause enormous emotional damage to the loving partner who
tries, against all odds, to hold the relationship together and, ultimately,
can’t do it, because her partner is working against her. Sticks and stones do
break bones, but words can maim in deepening ways.
Whether you are currently in a mentally abusive
relationship, have left one recently, or years later are still struggling with
the anxieties and low self-worth and lack of confidence caused by mental abuse,
it is never too late to heal.
Mental abuse recovery is a gradual process. Low self-worth
and limiting beliefs about what kind of future the abuse sufferer can ever hope
for are the blocks that can stop persons from moving on. But they are blocks
that you can clear very effectively. Just as language was once used to harm
you, you can now learn how language can heal you. You can overcome past mental
abuse and keep yourself safe from it in the future. You can also learn to feel
strong, believe in yourself and create the life and the relationships you truly
want.
Glance over the seven things once more before leaving this
article. If you or someone you know is experiencing the painful effects of
being mentally and/or emotionally abused, then find an encouraging way to get
help. Go to your pastor, close friend, or seek out a counseling professional to
find your way back to you again.
Grace and Peace,
Dr. Trey
No comments:
Post a Comment