So, here we are in full swing of Winter, close to Spring with the leaves contemplating their change, the temperatures increasing(?), and families in full
array of sports, school, work, travel, kids, and the general mayhem of weekly
life. For many families, the mother and father pause their own needs and wants
for the greater good of the kids. Dates nights are put on the back shelf and
alone time is almost non-existent. Most marriages are put on auto-pilot to
cruise through hoping once again for better weather, better
schedules, and better time, somehow think that the family vacation or summer will heal all relationship ills.
I believe that putting the needs of mom and dad on the
back shelf is a mistake, mainly because the two of you are the most important
relationship in the entire family system. If you sacrifice yourselves
constantly and put you on the back burner for the kids, then the kids grow up
thinking that they are the center of the world – your world. As cute a thought
as this is, the reality is that they need the stability, emotion, strength, and
soundness of both mom and dad to be there for them as they grow and mature. How can mom and dad
not be strong, together, emotionally sound, and stable if the marriage is not
constantly being nurtured, loved, and supported? As many of you have heard me
say over and over, “The marriage relationship is the hardest relationship in
the world to maintain but the most rewarding example of what God can do with 2
people in covenant relationship.”
There is no autopilot for marriage. There can’t be. So I
want to suggest some small ways to help make marriage more manageable and
meaningful for the daily life.
1) Open up the checkbooks and financial accounts to each
other once a month. Let the other see and know where your money is being spent.
99% of the time it will be a revelation to one another how much is being spent
on household items: food, clothes, school supplies, technology, maintenance, and
incidentals.
2) Open up your hearts to one another 1-2 times a month.
Take 1-2 times a month to make an appointment with your spouse or significant
other to go deeper than the typical movie night or game night with the kids. Alone together separate from the kids, talk about deeper more sensitive issues about how each is feeling about life,
the family, the marriage, etc. This is where we check-in with each other and
where we can be honest, authentic, real, and tangible in our struggles and
needs. This isn’t the quick “I love you” as one passes the other in the hallway
heading out the door. Take the time to reconnect 1-2 times a month.
3) Open up your mind to the other every now and then. What
I mean by this is to let your spouse inhabit your thoughts. Tear off a piece of
paper and scribble a note of love or thanks and tape it to the mirror for the
next morning or to the steering wheel of their car. Super easy to do and costs
nothing and earns priceless points!
Raising a family is always a busy and hectic time but we can take small
efforts to make our marriages more manageable and meaningful too!
Grace and Peace,
Dr. Trey
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