Sunday, February 5, 2012

A Man’s Guide to Understanding Women!

Women! So hard to understand at times, so uniquely different than men! If only women were more like men: predictable, moved by what they see, more logical and less emotionally focused, more into fixing what is on the surface rather than dealing with complex issues down inside; if only women were more like men…….

We men need a guide, some clues, or some helpful secrets to help navigate this world where we think we are somehow in control but in reality are struggling to operate as a team! I have sought out and interviewed a number of capable and insightful women for this article in hopes of bringing together some of those mysterious secrets to help husbands and men understand better the wife, family member, friend, or daughter.

A guide to help men understand women:

1) Women love to talk. Women need to talk. Talking is their way of connecting with others.

2) Women love to be told that they are loved! A better way to say it is this: You cannot tell your wife, daughter, family member, or friend “I love you” too often. It goes back to that need to be connected to another. Men give flowers and gifts to their wives to help substitute for what they feel inadequate to say, yet my wife has confirmed to me that she would trade the flowers and any material gift for more verbal and physical exchanges of “I love you.” Use those three words more often. Become comfortable again with “I love you.”

3) When having disputes in the marriage/relationship, women may need more than 1 discussion to resolve the issue or process the information. Men can say we’re done and walk away. Women need more than that – issues/problems are much deeper to them than we may think.

4) Women are very hard on themselves, in general. They need encouragement on a regular basis because they can multitask very well and tend to take on too much. As husbands/men, we tend to expect that they can handle everything they take on. They yearn for our words of encouragement.

5) Wives dream of husbands that do tasks without being asked. Wives want their husbands to use that great initiative they brag about at work, at home.

6) Women want you to say “How can I help” rather than “How can I fix this/that.”

7) Women are very sensitive. They may give the appearance that they are tough but that is only part of the picture. Women are sensitive and easily hurt by others. Husbands/men: be careful what you say and do. It matters how you say it and how you do it.

8) Women compare themselves to others, in general. Sometimes, because of those comparisons – drama can be created.  One secret men need to realize is that women are comfortable with some amount of drama/conflict amongst friends, coworkers, and family.  Because women tend to be multilayered, they often enjoy talking and evaluating the complexity of relationships between those around them.

9) The more a woman loves someone, the higher the other person’s value becomes. More love equals higher value. I know, it doesn’t seem logical but it is how women think. It works for them.

10) No woman desires to be a second class person/follower in a marriage/relationship but aspires to be a partner in a partnership. Don’t pull the scripture passage about being submissive. It doesn’t mean what you think it means. Love and respect your wife as an equal partner!

11) It is important for a wife to feel secure in the marriage: financial security, relational security, spiritual security. An example of this would mean that the family finances are secured and managed together. Don’t just tell your wife/partner to trust your judgment that the money is being managed – show her and let her be a part of it. Another example would mean that the marriage is built upon trust and keeping that trust connection secure means talking/connecting on a regular basis together: TALKING, not just watching tv together. Security is an action not just a description. Security is mutual investment not just independent decision.

12) Women need to emote. Don’t be afraid of their tears. When women cry, please do not attempt to “fix” them. Be patient, understanding, and fully present. If you are patient and hang with them after they cry, then you will be more respected and prove yourself a real man!

13) Know your wife’s love language. More than likely it is different from yours. When you can love her with her love language it helps show her true leadership and love. She then will want to seek out your love language and love you accordingly. For more information see the book, “The Five Love Languages,” by Gary Chapman.

So there you go guys. A small glimpse into the complexities of being a woman. Certainly NOT the full story but a good start. Hopefully some of these insights can help you connect in more meaningful ways in your relationship.

Grace and Peace,

Dr. Trey

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