Can we talk?
I can’t tell you how many people come to couples
counseling with an agenda to make the other spouse believe and do what each
thinks needs to be done. Constantly, I am placed in the position of “making”
the husband do what he is supposed to do or “making” the wife be a better wife.
This, of course, is the joy of counseling because these are the prime scenarios
that hint at a larger problem: the need for really effective and empowering
couple’s communication. It takes time, effort, and a Christ-like heart to
listen to the other without trying to get your word in, seeking to understand
as fully as possible without pushing your agenda onto the other.
How does a family, be it a marriage and/or the children,
actually talk with each other in the family system? In reality, it is harder
than it seems because there are many parents who would say that “family
communication” with the children is really about them doing what they are told
and not getting into trouble. Many children would say that “family communication”
is the parents staying out of their hair! But communication is about mutual respect,
mutual connection, and mutual relationship, one based on the exchange of ideas.
The only way a family system can truly communicate effectively is if it has the
healthy tools in place to ensure everyone gets respect, everyone gets heard,
and an intentionality in place that works the process.
I remember when I was younger that my parents would
tell me I could always come and talk to them with any concern or problem I had.
Well after the first 5 issues that I came to my parents with, and getting
punished or in trouble because of those things, I learned very quickly NOT to
share with them what I was feeling or struggling with. Though on the outside I
looked and sounded like the best son possible, deep inside I had problems and
issues I wrestled with but never felt that it was safe to share. I learned not
to share my feelings because it always got turned against me in some way. It
was much later in life that I learned to risk that hurt and those repercussions
in order to seek the help that I needed. But all the while growing up, I felt
this sense of frustration at the mixed message.
We may tell others that they can come and talk to us
about anything but then do we, in turn react in such a way that prohibits
effective communication? Do we show lack of respect for a differing view, do we
try to push our viewpoint on the other because we know it is the right thing to
do? Do you as a parent need to be more sensitive to the emotional needs of your
children? What about your marriage? Can your spouse feel completely safe to
come to you and share, even something difficult or challenging? Can the two of
you disagree with each other in a way that brings mutual respect and continues
the relationship in healthy ways? I believe that it is imperative we keep
working on the art and tool of healthy communication in our marriages,
families, friendships, even in the church. We need to work harder to
communicate in ways that promote mutual respect, mutual connection, and mutual
relationship to the glory of God and to the health of the relationship.
Dr. Trey
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