In part 1, I shared some things that may help spouses in a stepfamily
relationship. In part 2 of this series, I will discuss ways
that spouses and children perceive what is going on in the family. Children have an especially difficult time
resolving their grief when their parents are hostile with one another, when one
or both of their parents remarry, and if they have trouble accepting their new
stepparents.
The following ideas are not new. But
these ideas may help the parents to understand what their children are
perceiving as well as good ideas to consider with one another as parents in the
“new” family system of the integrated stepfamily.
1. Watch out for mixed messages. As parents,
remember to keep your statements clean, avoiding the temptation to mix
compliments and complaints. For example, let’s say that you meet your friend at
a cocktail party. You think she looks nice, but her dress seems a little too
provocative. This ideas is for both your
children and your spouse.
Straight
message: “You look very nice tonight.”
Mixed
message: “You look so pretty. I would never have the nerve to wear that.”
2. Pay attention to your body language. As
parents, your words are only part of the message you communicate to your
children. If you say “How nice to see you” while frowning, your message becomes
unclear. Think about what message you want to convey and be sure that your body
is in harmony with it. Watch out for things like these:
• Rolling your eyes
• Crossing your legs and arms
• Tapping your foot
• Clenching your teeth
3. Pay attention to your emotions and keep from
becoming overwhelmed. If you are calm, you are less likely to say things
you’ll later regret, things that could be destructive to your relationships.
You will be less likely to become defensive and shut your partner or children out. Examples of ways to calm
yourself and keep from getting carried away with emotion include the following:
• Pay
attention to your physical responses. Is your heart racing? Are you breathing
faster? If you are, take a time-out.
• Leave
the room. Go for a drive. Do something relaxing. Listen to music or do
relaxation exercises.
• Make
a conscious effort to calm yourself down. Say things to yourself like:
“I’m
very upset right now, but it’ll be okay. I still love my stepchild/wife/child.”
“Even
though we disagree, we still have a good relationship.”
“We
can work this out. We’re partners/ a family.”
4. Resolve negative feelings. If you have
bad feelings about your partner, take steps to resolve them. Don’t let them
grow into feelings of contempt. When you engage in behavior (verbal or
nonverbal) that conveys a lack of respect, you are placing your relationship in
serious danger. This includes obvious abuse, and also insults, making faces,
and name-calling. Any relationship that is plagued by abusiveness and
negativity will have a very difficult time surviving. Also be aware of how you
talk about your children/step-children in public. Be sure to take the effort to
honor them and show them the proper respect when in private and in public.
5. Don’t be defensive. It is understandable
to react defensively when you are in a conflict situation, but it can be
dangerous to a relationship. Defensiveness tends to escalate the conflict and
does nothing to resolve it. Some examples of defensive behavior include:
• Denying responsibility (I did not!)
• Making excuses (I couldn’t help it; traffic was awful)
• Ignoring
what your partner says and throwing a complaint back (Yeah, well, what about the mess YOU left yesterday?)
• Saying Yes, but...
• Whining
• Rolling your eyes or making a face
Your
children/stepchildren may do this to you as part of their immature behavior but
do not do this to them or to your spouse. Be an intentional adult. Be honest,
communicative, direct, and mature. Acting like your children just re-enforces
their poor behavior.
6. Don’t shut down. In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last (see
Suggested Reading), author John Gottman describes the dangers of shutting out
the other person. He calls this behavior stonewalling
and says that it means refusing to communicate, storming out of the room, or
any kind of withdrawing. When a person is stonewalling, communication is impossible
because he or she is refusing to participate. When it becomes a regular pattern
of communication, stonewalling is very damaging to a relationship.
I hope
this short series has been helpful for you if you have been struggling in a new
step family relationship. If you would like additional help or have someone to
discuss these issues and more, Pathways Pastoral Counseling is here to help.
Simply call 542-3019 for an appointment. Help is a phone call away!
Grace
and Peace,
Dr. Trey
Kuhne
Pathways
Pastoral Counseling is a fee-for-service non-profit ministry offering
counseling to individuals, couples, and families. Located at St.
Christopher’s Episcopal Church, 400 Dupre Dr . ,
Spartanburg , SC
29307 . To call for a
counseling appointment please call: 864-542-3019.
Suggested Reading
Gottman,
John, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and
How You Can Make Yours Last. New
York , NY : Fireside
Books, 1994.
McKay,
Matthew, Fanning, Patrick, and Paleg, Kim, Couple
Skills: Making Your Relationship Work. Oakland , CA :
New Harbinger Publications, 1994.
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